t o x i c

Within the last couple of years, I’ve finally started to grow to be my own person. I think I have? I’ve stopped trying to people please and  be that stupidly needy person that no one wants to be around.

now I don’t want to be around anyone – so there’s that fun little thing. There comes a time and place where you sit yourself down and think: “who do I really need in my life?” Well, friends, Internet folk, random person I’ll never know.. Here’s the list of toxic people that I’m slowly distancing myself from.

  1. the up and comer: this person has been the one you assumed that youbwould be friends with for years. You would have our own inside jokes, blast Taylor Swift songs, and tell each other that we loved each other with or without alcohol. This person could rely on me at any time of the day to cry over an ex or whatever situation they’d get themselves in. You would do the same, but would feel like a bother. Even now, I feel like I’m bothering everyone and u til you shake me and say, “you’re fine. Come to me!” I’ll always feel like a nuisance.  There’ll be that one day, where you feel that relationship dwindled away. They’ll stop responding to you. Those plans you came up with will be canceled or forgotten about. You’ll start hearing how you took advantage of them and now are a bad guy in the eyes of other. Mutual friends will avoid trying to talk to you because of this one sided tale. Your last words to each other will be over something trivial. You’ll look back on that text and wonder why it had to end that way? Now you know.
  2. The Used to Be: There was probably a friendship that lasted longer than any other. You assumed that it’ll keep on going; so you decide to introduce your new friends to the old. You suddenly start to realize that you’re slowly being pushed out. That there’s laughter that will abruptly end as soon as someone spots you. You can’t help but think there’s something on you. Then you’ll get the temptation to look at an open message…it’s about you. You won’t know how to feel when you realize the things these people are saying. At that point, you want to cry or scream or walk away from it all. Instead, you smile when they approach the table again and ask them for another round. It starts burning inside of you knowing that you’re the butt of their jokes. You kind of want to say something alas they take care of it for you. They’ll completely cut you out and that’s that. Until they invite you out and it starts all over again. You try to latch on to what you originally had with the first friend, but you can tell that whatever love was there is now gone.
  3. The Family Member: this is the one that’ll take forever and a day to distance yourself from. This is the person who as soon as you see them..your stomach starts the turn and you’re aching to leave. Anything would be better than hearing them teasing about how this person is now a doctor with kids and a house that’s all paid off. They’ll look at you and smirk. You’ll stare back with your fists clenched ready to spit something back. You’re stuck like that until the gossip of another person comes up in conversation. This same person will come up to you and wonder why you never talk to them? Why did you keep your distance? I wasn’t saying that towards you! It was a joke. The joke that has been my life for the past couple of years. You tell them you’re tired and excuse yourself before you break into hysterics.
  4. The Boy: There will always be that “what if?” Situation. You’ll meet this “one in a million” “dime a dozen” type person and everything will be beautiful through your rose colored glasses. Then there will be that one night where it gets torn away from you. 6 months later, you’ll be sipping on your 3rd glass of wine on tinder and your heart will start beating rapidly. Your hands start to get clammy as you look down at those blue eyes again. Those same blue eyes that danced whenever you would make a fool of yourself. The same blue eyes that played you like a fiddle. The next thing you know you’re staring up at a foreign ceiling thinking that it could be different this time. The next thing you know; you’re back at it again. Feeling sorry for yourself and wondering why you even exist. Why you’re not smarter than the girl he’s looking down at. Why you’re not skinny enough for him to wrap his whole arm around your waist? Why you’re not enough for him to be proud to call you his girlfriend. Fast forward another 9 months..and you’ll find yourself staring at that exact ceiling. Only this time you’ll realize that it’s different. Now you’ll be wondering when this will end. How this will end.
  5. Your old self: this is where it gets tricky. Sure, the previous 4 people are going to be the ones that will take a year or 10 to get out of your mins and heart. This one is the one you’ll always run back to when you’re scared. It’s the same self who has you scared over opening up yourself to people. Let it go, you’ll tell yourself. Do like James Bay and let it go. Who knows? Maybe down the line, you’ll remember your old self and wonder why you let yourself get like that? Why you were so negative and unhappy for so long. Then, you’ll look at what you have. The home. The pets. The job.  Hell, the man who’s probably napping on the couch. And you’ll realize that you had to let yourself detox from those people, situations, and yourself.

It may seem like a goddamn mission right now, but youll come to realize what and who you deserve. You’ll start being careful with who you let in. You’ll probably print out a questionnaire for everyone to fill out to help you with the choices. Who knows at this point? Only you do. You’ll figure this out. It’s taken you this long to start figuring out what you don’t need in your life anymore. Now it’s that time to start doing something about it.

  
I can’t recall the last time that I didn’t try to cover my stomach up. Or the time that I tried to fix my posture so I could look more lean, attractive, and approachable to the opposite sex. I honestly can’t remember the last time that I was happy and loved my body.

I fluctuate with my weight a lot – it’s the one thing I have full control over. It’s a very solid and frequently used excuse, but it’s true. I can eat that extra piece of pizza because that person was horrible to me today. I can sneak another giant margarita because I had to deal with a douchebag for X amount of months. I don’t have another refill for my medication, so it’s time for another row of Samoas.

Ever since I can remember; weight has been the main topic of conversation. It’s either someone asking me if I’ve lost weight or having a family friend that last saw me 5 years ago mentioning how big I’ve gotten. How much prettier I was then and that I should try eating less or something. Little did this person know that I would try every and anything to maintain that “slimmer” figure. 
It’s something you can’t shoot back without getting frighten or repulsed looks back at you. Get pulled aside by someone asking if you’re alright or if you’ve talked with a doctor about this. Maybe you should go to a doctor, someone else will suggest and go back to the gossip topic they were on. This is one of two things that I’ve remained really private about. I will gladly share my horrible dating experiences with a stranger. I will tell you about that thing I did when I was 2. It involves poop. Anyway..

After my last failed attempt at a relationship I realized what I had become. Someone who 100% hated what she let herself become. I sit in front of the mirror and am fully repulsed by what I see staring back at me. Working in an industry where you have to look and feel your best in order to move up can escalate that feeling. Where if you don’t fit a certain size, you’re instantly a cow and immediately check to see what time the next cycle class started.  Where you will have someone who is smaller than you look at what you’re wearing and you can immediately tell that they’re not impressed. Guess what? Neither am I. Yet here I am! Trying my best, kid. Now go away before I start crying again.

I know what you’re thinking? Marlen, you should do something about it. If you’re unhappy, try a b and c! It worked for me! Maybe if you stopped eating ______ you wouldn’t be feeling this way. *slips you picture of Gina Rodriguez* can you try to look like that? Thaaaaaanks.

It’s about time that I listened to you, horrible person who I let into my life and can’t get rid of. I’ve started covering up and going out less. The gym is where I try to spend my days off at. I try to not let myself get in my head that much. 

This is the year of change*! It’s time that I start really focusing on myself rather than telling friends I’m doing so while stuffing my face with almonds. This is where 3 friends (two old one somewhat new? Even tho…never mind) come to play. It’s time to get myself into gear and join the sorority that is BB. I’m calling it that because it’s cute and I CAN DO WHAT I WANT, BRYAN!  Sorry..back to the seriousness. Body negativity. Don’t fully love myself. Sad adult. Got it.

With the help and support of these three; I know that I’ll be able to look at myself and say, “TREAT YO’SELD, YOU BEAUTIFUL CHILD.” So, prepare yourselves! You’re about to see a process happen right in front of you. 

Hey, end of the year Marlen-

I hope that by December 17th 2016, you’ll be in a better place that you are right now. Where your least fave duo take you down when you think it’s gonna be a good day. I really hope that we’ve stopped comparing ourselves to other girls. Friends or strangers..lets stop this. Lastly, I hope that you can tell yourself how much you love yourself every day and night. 

Let’s rock this bitch, you ignorant slut. 

2010: An Open Letter

(I copy and pasted this from Notes so excuse any errors)

  

It was a beautiful and warm Sunday afternoon. I was talked into going to lunch to meet you and a couple of other friends for Valentines Day. I remember nervously playing with my sunglasses while we waiting for you and our table to be ready.
Little did I know that I was going to be falling in love with a boy in a 3oh!3 shirt. You were crude, cocky, and stubborn. I tried to introduce myself; you brushed me off and went straight for my only friend that day to chat. I stared at our mutual friend very confused and shocked that someone could act that way. When we sat down, you made sure not to sit next to me. Sarah* sat in between you and me and she made sure to let you know that she was interested. Paul* and I sat across from each other making faces anytime she tried to flirt with you. I felt bad for Paul. He had a brief history with our mutual friend and was now forced to sit next to them. Forced to watch them be a loving and affectionate couple. Something he wasn’t allowed to do when they were together.

Anyone who walked by this table assumed we were a group of couples enjoying this Hallmark holiday. It took a good hour and a half to get you to warm up to me. I had to crack my best jokes and poke fun at you to laugh and look at my direction. The winning joke was you ordering a sausage. The whole table busted out in laughter leaving you to be the butt of the joke. Leaving me to be the victor of this lunch date.

I kept counting down the minutes for my shift at work. We all hustled to the car and made our way to my store. The opening notes to “Don’t Stop Believin’” filled in the awkward silence we left ourselves in. I started humming and silently singing – and that’s when I heard someone else doing the same thing. We both looked at each other and started one of many air guitar and drum duos. “This is the start of a beautiful friendship.” I said to you and you agreed as we pulled up into the parking lot.

“Are you coming over to my place?” Marie* asked. I shrugged and told her that I would see how I felt after work. After all, I was working the Valentines Day shift. I was ready to be nauseous and overwhelmed by all the men and women buying last minute gifts for their significant other.

“You should come over.” You told me right before you closed the car door. Those words stuck with me throughout the night. I remember getting a text from a number that I didn’t know telling me that I was going to get picked up. Hours flew by and I was squished into the couch between you and our couple.

Marie’s phone went off and she rolled her eyes, “Sarah is on her way.” I remember looking at you and it looked like you had seen a ghost. You had announced your distaste for her. Anyone who knows me knows that it takes a lot for me to gain courage. I’ve never been the first to kiss someone. I’ve never been the first to raise her hand in school. I’m never the first to speak up. I am the first to send double texts, but that’s a story for another boy.

“What if we pretend like we hit it off? Let’s see how she reacts.” I suggested to everyone in the room but my eyes stayed on yours. Our friends laughed at the idea and you patted your chest as an invite for me to slide over to you. As soon as my arm wrapped around yours; it felt absolutely right. I got those butterflies that everyone had told me about. I felt at home. Sure enough, she entered the room like Kramer and her eyes went directly to me hugging you like a koala. Me who had the cheesiest smile on her face that said, “I won again.”

I didn’t think that I would remember every little thing 6 years later. I remember how you smelled like a specific body wash. Having to shift our bodies like Tetris pieces to fit on the couch. You telling me about your parents, sister, and grandma that I learned to love as much as you did. I remember looking up at you and kissing your lips and feeling your hand tightly grip at my left side. I remember feeling this rush of emotions that I had never felt before. It was nothing like my friends had told me. It was nothing like I had seen or read about.

This was my first taste of a real relationship. The first taste to a real long distance relationship. The first taste to an “I love you.” The first taste to planning to the future. The first taste to ghosting before it was a thing. The first taste to heartbreak. The first of three that I’ll ever experience. The first real taste at me trying to figure myself out. The first real taste to dealing with my anxiety and depression alone. It would take me years to learn to not hold back tears at the mention of you or anyone in your circle. To be able to picture myself with anyone for more than 3 months. To be able to be vulnerable and open as I was with you. The walls after our last confrontation were built sky high. I’ve tried to let others through, but my fear of rejection and worthlessness has me where I am now. Looking through your social media. Trying to force a smile at your new life with someone else. A look into the future you wanted. A wife, possible kids, and a home close to your family.

I hope that you can look at me and see that I’m doing alright without you. That I’m perfectly fine this Valentines Day. That perfectly fine means I’m not waiting for you anymore. That the 4 year plan we had for each other is now in the abyss of false hopes and dreams.

I do hope for one thing though: for you to remember that girl with a shy smile who didn’t know she would be falling in love with a boy in a 3oh!3 shirt.